Probabilities : Refuge in Time of Despair

I feel renewed from my dark days. My darkest days were from days succeeding my success. I have just passed the board exam and have joined one of the biggest auditing firm in the country. From enjoying the moment of my success, real life slapped me – real quick. Though the firm have abundantly invested in training equipping us for the job, I have struggle much to cope up with the work. I was overwhelmed and felt grossly incompetent – no kidding. Yes, I such high standards of myself that I even sometimes wonder where these comes from. It came to appoint wherein I called my mom, and discussed the possibility of going home – just going home, i.e. not filing a resignation. I know not the wisest solution. You have to remember this is my first job. Thankfully, my mother logically explained to me it will be harder later on. So after the call I was already having suicidal thoughts. Seems that there is no way out.

Thinking of my death made me bargain with myself. I moved on to thinking of worst case scenarios – being underemployed in a small business or the top accountant of a mafia like business. Then I proceeded to thinking If this was to be the end, why not for curiosity sake try something I really want to do. Test myself if I can build a business. Could I become a professional pianist if I practiced enough? Will 10 years be enough for me to save for a trip to see the Great Barrier?

By such process, I gained perspective of some of the things I really want regardless of social pressures and expectation. I remember the days when I am not quite prepared for my school reporting. Of course I was worried. During the class period, I was not able to report as there was no enough time. I was too focused on me being unprepared that I failed to take into account that student reports usually goes beyond the allotted time. In our dark days, what we usually focus are the limiting factors. But for every limiting factor, there is more likely than a hundred factors you have missed to account for. You are not seeing the totality of the probabilities. If you to detach from social pressures today, what are the things you are dying to pursue?

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